


luther die challenge

by blessed_image



Series: bury a friend: umbrella academy fics [6]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Agender Number Five | The Boy, Ben Hargreeves is Alive, Canon Non-Binary Character, DOLORES IS A WOC :), Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, Fuck Luther Lives, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Klaus Hargreeves, Lesbian Allison Hargreeves, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, M/M, Major AU, Multi, No Apocalypse, Other, Trans Allison Hargreeves, Trans Diego Hargreeves, and its shared by five and vanya, and she loves her partner very much thank u very much, chat au, everyone say thank u klaus, fucking LOSER LMAOSIDJSKO, gdov is bc five threatens luther a lot, group chat au, he uses he/him, if ur a fuckin loser that is lsbdhjfd, im funny i swear, luther is cishet f, sometimes they lose it, they all collectively have one braincell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-11-21 19:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18146717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blessed_image/pseuds/blessed_image
Summary: mf i want there to be sumn happy in this fandom, which is ironic coming from me- notorious for inflicting pain on every character i cling to.in which the apocalypse is fives choir group, powers dont exist, ben is alive, dolores is a real girl and life is still shit.(five is 16 and everyone else is 20-25 and theyre all still adoptive siblings)





	1. what the fuck

**Klaus created the CHAT!**

**Klaus added Allison, Ben, Luther and Diego to the CHAT!**

 

 **Klaus** : guys what the actual FUCK are vanya and fives names on this

 **Ben** : give me admins u pissbaby

 **Klaus** : what the fuck

 

**Klaus gave Ben admin controls!**

 

**Ben added I wanna be a cowboy babey and I thot u were American to the CHAT!**

 

 **Klaus:** KJDSHGYDUHDIJ 

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** oh?

 **I thot u were American:** oh?

 **Allison:** theyre in sync...

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey** : hello vanya 😌

 **Klaus** : MF HWIEHDUSJI FIVE WHY IS THAT UR NAME

 **I thot u were American** : hello five u beautiful bastard

 **Diego:** they are a bastard

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** shut up idiot ur mother buys u mega blocks instead of legos

 **Diego** : ...

 **Klaus** : NJSHDYGHUSJI VANYA WHAT DID U DOHDU

 **I thot u were American:** I did what I was destined to do

 **Allison:** how do u change names

 

**Klaus set Allison's name as ally**

 

 **Klaus:** like that

 **Diego:** what

 

**Ben set Diego's name as sasuke**

 

 **sasuke:** MDFGYHUSJI NO WHY WOULD U SAY THATDSYUIJ

 **Ben:** u literally kin him stfu 

 **sasuke:** nO I DONT BEN STOP LYINH

 **sasuke:** Klaus give me admins

 

**Klaus set their own name as santa Klaus**

 

 **santa Klaus:** it isnt Christmas so that would be illegal

 **sasuke:** we have literally never celebrated Christmas

 **santa Klaus:** what is Your Point

 **sasuke:** give me fucking admins 

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** NO give ME admisn

 

**santa Klaus gave I wanna be a cowboy babey admins!**

 

 **sasuke:** WHAT THE FUCK

 

**I wanna be a cowboy babey set Ben's name as hentaihaven.com**

 

 **hentaihaven.com:** FUCK OFF LITERALLY WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU FIVE

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey** : shrug emoji

 **sasuke:** did you just type out shrug emoji

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey** : shrug emoji

 **sasuke:** ok

 **ally:** rip hentaihaven.com u will always be the superior hentai site

 **santa Klaus:** SJBDUHSIJ

 **Luther:** W hat is hentai?

 **I thot u were American:** rip hentaihaven.com forever in our hearts </3

 **hentaihaven.com:** as it turns out I can only trust sasuke and five

 **sasuke:** hentaihaven.com I want u back so bad babe God Bles

 **hentaihaven.com** : die

 **santa Klaus** : I cant believe ben fucking killed sasuke

 **hentaihaven.com:** come on five we have places to be

 **sasuke:** they are literally the one who gave u that name...

 **hentaihaven.com:** ur dead sasuke.

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** hentaihaven.com is what got me thru the apocalypse

 **ally:** DJKHVGYSHUJI STOP CALLING UR CHOIR GROUP THE APOCALYPSE

 **Luther:** Five, what is hentai?

 

**I wanna be a cowboy babey set Luther's name as fucking loser**

 

 **fucking loser:** ???Five???

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** GOD STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME 

 **fucking loser:** Why? What did I do?

 **I thot u were American:** oop he even types like a het

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** I am going to kill you, luther.

 **ally:** SKS SJSKSK no five no u aren't 

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** wanna bet?

 **sasuke:** no...five do it

 **ally:** dIEGO

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** diego is the only one here with rights

 **santa Klaus:** HLLO???

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:** u get rights on certain days.

 **hentaihaven.com:** MF

 **I wanna be a cowboy babey:**  🤬🤬 

 **i wanna be a cowboy babey:** bitch u KNOW u have rights u have more rights then me and i literally mugged luthers and booked it

 **i thot u were American:** what the fuck is up kyle

 **i wanna be cowboy babey:** NOW U DEFINITELY DONT HAVE RIGHTS

 **santa Klaus:** FIVE DONT BE MEAN

 **i wanna be a cowboy babey:** but u have more than luther so ur chill

 **i wanna be a cowboy babey:** we dont want luther

 **i thot u were American:** omg thank u for this blessing u stupid fuck

 **i wanna be a cowboy babey:** actually no u aint chill but u know what i mean

 **i thot u were American:** fuck you

 **santa Klaus** : is anybody else fucking confused rn

 **i thot u were American** : five u shit

 **i wanna be a cowboy babey:** die

 **hentaihaven.com:** no im out of the loop too

 **fucking loser:** Five!!! I am VERY cross with you!!!

 **i wanna be a cowboy babey:** u fr?

 **fucking loser:** YES!!!!! I am contacting our father, who is a lawyer!

 **i wanna be a cowboy babey:** lets do it bitch i know the law

 **i thot u were American:** KOSJDIYGHSJAPDKO

 

**santa Klaus set i wanna be a cowboy babey's name as i know the law**

 

 **fucking loser:** You just told Vanya to die!!

 **hentaihaven.com:** as if u care

 **ally:** LUTHERHUFDIJ ITS A JOKE

 **i know the law:** u r so fucking BRAINDEAD i am...SEETHING

 **santa Klaus:** I CANT FUCKIGN BREATHEGF

 **hentaihaven.com:** HES WHEEZINGFDHI

 **fucking loser:** BEN! HELP HIM!

 **ally:** JSDHGUHSJ FUCK

 **fucking loser:** WHAT IS WRONG?

 **hentaihaven.com:** SHITHFDUIJ SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP PLEATHE

 **i know the law:** luther, i am going to obliterate. i am going to turn you into fucking dust, you good for nothing shithead. i am going to thanos snap you. i am going to fucking kill you. you are going to die.

 **hentaihaven.com:** FIVE PKEASJEHIDJIJFD

 **i know the law:** you have seven days, luther. then, i will fucking rip you to shreds. i have never felt so much rage flow through my veins. i am physically leaking anger. its coming out of my eyes like lava.

 **ally** : thats...are u crying rn or sumn

 **i know the law:** out of anger, yes.

 **santa Klaus:** LMAOOOO FIVE CRIES WHEN THEYRE ANGRY

 **i know the law:** fuck right off

 **fucking loser:** Five, do you actually hate me?

 **ally:** no they dont

 **i know the law:** yes

 **i know the law:** yes i honestly do

 **i know the law** : i hate you more than the apocalypse and thats really saying something, you overgrown toe.

 **fucking loser** : :(

 **i know the law** : good. cry.

 **hentaihaven.com:** KSKSKSKS

 **i thot u were American** : ur so mean

 **santa Klaus** : and what for? what is the price?

 **i know the law** : the joy of knowing i made luther upset is better than anything else this world could offer.

 **sasuke** : i relate to five on a spiritual level

 

 **i know the law:** i hate the hargreeves

 **sasuke:** MF WHAT

 **i know the law:** positives of being a Hargreeves: im rich

 **i know the law:** negatives are: im rich, luther

 **hentaihaven.com:** well the negatives do outweigh the positives

 **i thot u were American:** thats fair

 **sasuke:** mf ur acting like luther is ur only sibling

 **santa Klaus:** id hope luther thought that too

 **ally:** oh my GOD do not bring this up again.

 **fucking loser:** Allison is very cool, can you all stop slamming my appreciation for her?

 **i know the law:** shut up idiot

 **ally:** luther im gay

 **fucking loser** : Gay? Happy? You're happy to be talking to me?

 **ally** : ive changed my mind

 **santa Klaus** : what

 **ally:** five. kill him.

 **santa Klaus** : U GAVE ME A HEART ATTACKSHSDUIJ

 **ally** : mf dont ever presume again

 **hentaihaven.com:** kill luther!

 **santa Klaus:** kill luther!

 **ally** : kill luther!

 **i thot u were American** ; kill luther!

 **sasuke** : kill luther!

 **i know the law:** im trying.

 

**i know the law has kicked fucking loser out of the CHAT!**

 

 **ally:** good. u fr.

 **i know the law:** ofc im fr who u think i am

 **i thot u were American:** wait dont actually kill him

 **i thot u were American:** murder = bad

 **i know the law:** out of all the people that could be saying that to me, ur the one least qualified

 **i thot u were American:**....

 **i thot u were American:** ok u can kill him

**sasuke: DSJDJSDSKJ**

**hentaihaven.com:** we aren't actually killing him. unfortunately.

 **santa Klaus** : stop ruining our fun ben

 **sasuke** : we want him Gone.

 **i know the law:** ben you cant stop me

 **hentaihaven.com:** yes i can

 **i know the law** : how

 **hentaihaven.com:**....ill kill you first

 **i know the law:** LMAOSJUDHUHFSIJAOSJ OK BRODJIJSSKO

 **hentaihaven.com:** die

 **i know the law:** JHSKHLJFDHKSHDAJSJHSK GOD THIS IS SO FUNYTBYHRUFDIJ IM LAUGJGIHNG

 **hentaihaven.com:** I COULD IF I TRIED SHUT UP

 **i know the law:** HAHAHAHSDGGUHIJAK

 **ally** : FIVESTISODHUIJS

 **santa Klaus:** five r u ok

 **sasuke:** i went to check on them and theyre actually crying

 **sasuke** : like on the ground, clutching their stomach, crying, gasping for air, no sound...

 **hentaihaven.com** : WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY FINDING THIS SO FUNNT I FUCKING THREATENED THEM

 **santa Klaus** : SKJHBDVUHSIJ BEN I WANNA SEE THIS COME WITH ME

 **hentaihaven.com** : fine

 **ally** : are they even still alive

 **sasuke:** FUCKING BARELY

 **santa Klaus** : HVSUIJDF MF THREW THEIR PHONE ACROSS THE FLOOR LAUGHIGNUSIJ

 **hentaihaven.com:** ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY

 **i thot u were American:** eyem-

 **sasuke** : theyre calming down

 **santa Klaus** : WHEHEHEHEHE

 **hentaihaven.com:** i hate this family

 **i know the law** :...this is ben

 

**i know the law sent a picture:**

 

**i know the law left the CHAT!**

 

 **hentaihaven.com:** THEYRE NOT FUNNT FUCKCJHXU

 **santa Klaus:** LANSHBDYHUSJI

 **I thot u were American:** our littlest sibling is a fucking crackhead

 

**santa Klaus added i know the law to the CHAT!**

**i know the law added fucking loser to the CHAT!**

 

 **santa Klaus** : NO

 

**i know the law left the CHAT!**

 

 **santa Klaus:** MOTHERTRUCKERSJIFDOKSDF

 **fucking loser** : What?

 **hentaihaven.com** : I FUCKING HATE THEMDBUSJI

 **ally** : I CANTGEUSIOK

 **fucking loser:** Why are you laughing? What are you laughing at?

 **sasuke** : five bc theyre funny

 

**santa Klaus added i know the law to the CHAT!**

 

 **i know the law:** stop im trying toc alm down

 **fucking loser:** Hello, Five.

 

**i know the law sent a picture:**

 

 

 

 


	2. be gay do crime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sasuke: diego  
> ally: Allison  
> I know the law: five  
> I thot u were American: vanya  
> santa Klaus: Klaus  
> hentaihaven.com: ben  
> fucking loser: luther

**ally:** how are you homosexuals doing today

 **hentaihaven.com:** five lost the braincell

 **I know the law:** snitch

 **ally:** what the fuck did you do

 **I know the law:** I hung an apple to the ceiling fan and it flew off and hit the wall and it exploded

 **santa Klaus:** KJSAHDFHUSJI why did u do that

 **I know the law:** do I need a reason?

 **santa Klaus:** uhh I guess not?

 **I know the law:**....

 **I know the law:** Allison do we have any other fruits I could explode please

 **ally:** banana

 **I know the law:** I cant fucking EXPLODE that???????? bananas are soft as shit and I fucking hate them GOD theyre so useless theyre only good for smoothies mf get that shit AWAY never speak to me again im genuinely devastated

 **I thot u were American:** ur so dramatic

 **ally:** BSHDJKSMDN

 **hentaihaven.com:** SBKJBDSDLLSDNDJN

 **santa Klaus:** theres a melon but I dont think it would work with a ceiling fan. too heavy

 **I know the law:** bring it up.

 **sasuke:** what

 **I know the law:** u heard me

 **hentaihaven.com:** MF TOO HEAVY CAN U NOT READ TOO FUCKING HEAVY

 **I know the law:** SHUTUP I SAID BRING ME THE FUCKING MELON!!!! IS2G UR ALL USELESS

 **I thot u were American:** ok mf chill

 **santa Klaus:** THEY HAVE A FUCKINGYGDUH INDUSTRIAL CHAIN

 **sasuke:** THATS WAY TOO MUCH WEIGHT FIVE STOP IT

 **I know the law:** I stop when im died

 **sasuke:** SDKJHDBHSJ KLAUS STOP THEM

 **santa Klaus:** LMAOOOOO NO WAY STOP THEM URSELF

**I know the law: 😋😋😋**

**santa Klaus:** DKJSHG ITS SPINNING

 **hentaihaven.com:** IM OMW I NEED TO SEE THIS

 **ally:** LMAOSIU ME TOO7

 **I thot u were American:** OPEN UR FUCKING DOOR

**I know the law:** 😋 😋 😋

**ally:** SASUKE TELL THEM THEY WONT OPEN THE DOOR

 **sasuke:** SHUTUPSDU EYEM SO-

 **sasuke:** FIVE OPEN THE DOOR

 **santa Klaus:** they wont open it

 **hentaihaven.com:** WHY NOT

 **santa Klaus:** theyre preoccupied with the melon

 **hentaihaven.com:** U OPEN IT THEN

 **santa Klaus:** sorry its not my room :/

 **hentaihaven.com:** respectful

 **ally:** FUCK RESPECT OPEN THE DOOR

 **I thot u were American:** OPEN IT FUCKERS

 **sasuke:** KLAUS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE

 **santa Klaus:** SJHDYUGIHFJA IT BROKEHHFDUJ

 **sasuke:** what the FUCK OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT FUCKING NOW

 **santa Klaus:** SHDBGFHUS I CANT BREATHE

 **santa Klaus:** IT BROKE AND THE MELON WENT FUCKING EVERYWHEREJF FIVE IS DRENCHED

 **I know the law:** I feel achieved

 **sasuke:** IM GOUNG TO THROTTLE U

 **santa Klaus:** THEYRE EATING TIHFDIJ

 **I know the law:** open it urself 🤬🤬

 **ally:** SKSKSKSK FIVE PLEASE

 **I thot u were American:** five 😔😔

 **I know the law:** shut up clown

 **sasuke:** UR IN SO MUCH TROUBLE

 **santa Klaus:** LMAOOOO CAN U HEAR THAT NOISE SASUKE

**sasuke:...**

**sasuke:** is that the wind

 **santa Klaus:** LMAOOOOOOOOO

 **hentaihaven.com:** IM FUCKGIHFDSJ THE 

 **I know the law:** diego buy a new ceiling im sure u can buy one online

 **santa Klaus:** this melon tastes like brick

 **I thot u were American:** I am so sad I didnt get to watch that

 **I know the law:** is diego still having a breakdown

 **sasuke:** YES DO U KNOW HOW MUCH THATS GONNA COST U SHIT

 **I know the law:** whats money when ur lil sib can be happy

 **sasuke:** dont pull that card

 **ally:** oop

 **sasuke:** five dont pull that card

 **I know the law:** ill cry

 **sasuke:** ur a brat I forgive you dont cry

 **I know the law:** thanks dickhead

 

 **ally:** oh fuck

 **I thot u were American:** what 

 **ally:** I broke my heel

 **sasuke:** as in ur bone?

 **hentaihaven.com:** R U OK

 **santa Klaus:** WTF DONT DIE??!!!??!?!?!

 **I know the law:** do I gotta fight

 **ally:** what the fuck no the shoe u idiots

 **I thot u were American:** lesbian: ouchie

 **I thot u were American:** five, ben, Klaus and diego waking up in a cold sweat: somethings wrong

 **ally:** FR FR

 

 **I thot u were American:** I cant believe five is an actual brat....

 **I thot u were American:** aren't u supposed to be like?? the scary and grumpy one

 **I know the law:**.....mf....the fact that im grumpy and scary is what makes me so fucking FUNNY im not a brat u sadist

 **I thot u were American:** how tf am I a sadist

 **I know the law:** calling me a brat is something a meanie would do

 **ally:** a meanie....

 **hentaihaven.com:** u are actually 3 years old

 **sasuke:** fives name matches their age

 **I know the law:** SHTU UP

 **ally:** its true yesterday they slammed their fists against their knees and said 'hes such a meanie'

 **hentaihaven.com:** fr????

 **I know the law:** NO I DIDNT

 **ally:** yes you really did

 **I know the law:** I HATE U STOP

 **ally:** STOP DENYING IT LOSER

 **ally:** JUST ADMIT UR A CHILD

 **I know the law:** nOOO

 **santa Klaus:** its true, theyre a child

 **I know the law:** U CANNOT SPEAK IDIOT

 **santa Klaus:** omg remember that one time u used me as a stepping stool bc ur literally 4'10

 **I know the law:** ILL KILL YOU

 **fucking loser:** They started punching me so I put their phone on top of the highest shelf, they then proceeded to stomp on the floor and scream for Klaus.

 **santa Klaus:** hey I remember that too

 **ally:** THE FACT THAT EVEN LUTHER HAS A STORY

 **I know the law:** STOP EXPOSING ME UR ALL LIARS

 **sasuke:** u literally destroyed ur own room today for just ten minutes of fun

 **I thot u were American:** f

 **ally:** f

 **santa Klaus:** f

 **sasuke:** what

 **I know the law:** that wasn't my room

 **sasuke:** what

 **sasuke:** who...whose was it

 **hentaihaven.com:** five run

 **I know the law:** im no weakling. it was urs diego.

**sasuke:**

**sasuke:**

**sasuke:** WHAT THE FUCK IS UR PROBLEM

 **I thot u were American:** YIKES 

 **ally:** ZOINKS

 **santa Klaus:** LMAOOAJISHBDFJS HOW DID U NOT NOTICE

 **sasuke:** EYE-

**sasuke:** _BITCH_

**sasuke:** UR PAYING FOR THAT

 **I know the law:** fuck that

 **sasuke:** MF

 **I know the law:** IM A CHILD I CANT PAY FOR S H I T

 **ally:** theyre admitting their a kid

 **I know the law:** stop bringing it back to that

**santa Klaus:** _witness me_

 

**santa Klaus set the name of the CHAT as five is a child**

 

 **I know the law:** this is why god abandoned us.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> five, diego, Klaus and ben: lesbian rights!


	3. waka waka motherfucker

 

 **santa klaus:** yall r so boring

 **hentaihaven.com:** what

 **santa klaus:** spare nicknames ma’am? 🥺🤲

 **ally:** admins please

 **santa klaus:** omg is allison gonna go stupid go crazy?

 **ally:** we will see. 

 

**santa klaus gave ally admin controls!**

 

 **ally:** this is how it should be 

 

**ally set santa klaus’ name as klaustrophe**

 

 **klaustrophe:** hmph

 **klaustrophe:** maybe allison does have rights

 **hentaihaven.com:** wbk

 

**ally set hentaihaven.com’s name as bentacles**

 

 **bentacles:** THAT WAS ONE FUCKING TIME

 **bentacles:** I WAS TWELVE ALLISON! EVERYONE DOES DUMB SHIT AT TWELVE!

 **i know the law:** i didnt but ok

 **bentacles:** thats because you started making bad decisions at 15

 **i know the law:** i have never made a single bad decision in my life and im honestly offended that you would ever insinuate that. this is slander.

 **ally:** you joined a choir

 **bentacles:** you exploded fruit all over diegos room 

 **sasuke:** u just straight up destroyed my room

 **klaustrophe:** hey guys remember that one time five ate pencil shavings whilst staring diego straight in the eyes when he told them to clean up and nearly died

 **i thot u were american:** u got stuck in a shopping cart once bc u didnt want to walk

 **fucking loser:** Five, do you remember the other day when you thought candle wax was a milkshake?

 **ally:** yeah u really need to sleep more 

 **i know the law:** ok i hear what ur saying and i raise you: luthers alabama complex

 **i know the law:** also, insomnia 

 **i thot u were american:** ALABAMA COMPLEX EHSKDJWD

 **ally:** SKSKSKSSK

 **klaustrophe:** another reason five is entitled to luthers rights

 

**ally set fucking loser’s name as alabama complex**

**ally set i thot u were american’s name as va va voom**

**ally set i know the law’s name as V**

 

 **V:** what

 **ally:** roman numerals for five

 **V:** thats hettie

 

**V set their name as POP YO PUSSY LIKE THIS**

 

 **ally:** NO

 **klaustrophe:** JSLADHKAHD

 **bentacles:** i hate this

 **va va voom:** FIVEHDLAJD

 

**ally set POP YO PUSSY LIKE THIS’ name as smartcar**

 

 **smartcar:** what

 **ally:** well **....** ur smart

 **klaustrophe:** i know where this is goiNGJDMDHE

 **va va voom:** allison u will die

 **ally:** a risk im willing to take for accuracy

 **va va voom:** fair

 **smartcar:** i AM smart whats the other reason

 **ally:** urthebest driver here even tho its illegal

 **smartcar:** go on

 **ally:** and ur fucking small

 **smartcar:** BITCH DIWMDHWK I KNEW U WOULD SAY THAT

 **smartcar:** THE SLANDER **!**

 **klaustrophe:** JELAHDKS AND NO ONE LIKES U

 **smartcar:** MF EVERYONE LIKES ME IM A FUCKING _TREAT_

 **bentacles:** i snorted

 **smartcar:** BASTARD

 **smartcar:** ill decide my own fucking nickname

 

**klaustrophe locked smartcar’s admin controls!**

 

 **smartcar:** ehat the FUCK

 **klaustrophe:** u cant do shit but talk....

 **bentacles** : like a _child_

 **smartcar** : I HATE THE HARGREEVES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short people r so angry how do yall live like that


	4. im sick and tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao sorry if i dont upload a full fic tonight im tired and some 15 year old whos new to writing on here called me a kid, a bad writer and “cisphobic” for refering to five as they/them...imagine being that pressEDNDKSJD anyway it set off my psychology college major ass, english language and literature major ass, agender ass and i had a good laugh u can check out the argument in the comments of “there was a girl who wore versace”

**thank klaustrophe:** yeehaw mothertruckers how’re’all’a’y’all t’day?

 **va va voom:** what...the fuck am i reading

 **klaustrophe:** welc’me to bible stoody we’re all childr’n of jeezus!

 **bentacles:** STOP that vine is literally you

 **va va voom:** oh my fucking god

 **smartcar:** and people wonder why i refuse to be seen with any of you

 **bentacles:** i never wondered that i just knew already

 **smartcar:** ur the only one here with even a SHRED of a braincell 

 **klaustrophe:** hey five hows choir

 **smartcar:** please be quiet 

 **klaustrophe:** there anyone u like?~~~

 **smartcar:** shut UP 

 **va va voom:** klaus dont pressure them

 **klaustrophe:** i just wanna know if my baby sibling has even the smallest hope of a love life

 **sasuke:** pretty sure its not that big of a deal

 **klaustrophe:** single people dont get to talk! only me, allison and vanya can!! and maybe five!!

 **sasuke:** you are ridiculous

 

**klaustrophe locked sasuke’s controls for ten minutes!**

**klaustrophe locked alabama complex’s controls for a day!**

 

 **klaustrophe:** i said no fucking talking for the singles

 **ally:** christ.

 **bentacles:** why am i not locked

 **klaustrophe:** locking you wouldnt do shit you would probably just steal my phone!!

 **va va voom:** and diego wouldnt?

 **klaustrophe:** thats...a very good point

 **klaustrophe** : but ive elected to ignore that option

 **smartcar** : useless. utterly useless.

 **ally** : five dont be mean

 **smartcar** : fuck you ill be as mean as i want

 **klaustrophe** : five spill!

 **smartcar** : ill spill ur fucking guts if u carry on pestering me

 **bentacles** : oop

 **ally** : NDKWBD YIKE

 **klaustrophe** : thats not very family friendly

 **smartcar** : die

 

**the timer on sasuke’s control lock has run out!**

 

 **sasuke** : five is there any room for an accomplice in the murder of klaus

 **smartcar** : always :)

 **klaustrophe** : preeeeetty sure this classifies as a crime

 **ally** : do you really think anyone here cares about the law

 **va va voom** : luther

 **ally** : eyem

 **smartcar** : hes irrelevant

 **klaustrophe** : so is this entire conversation!!!! five!!!! is there anyone cute!!!

 **smartcar** : why do you care so much

 **klaustrophe** : fivE TELL ME

 **smartcar** : sigh

 

**smartcar has left the CHAT!**

 

 **klaustrophe** : oh fuck no

 **bentacles** : klaus

 **klaustrophe** : that mfer is hiding sumn

 **bentacles** : kLAUs

 **klaustrophe** : what

 **bentacles** : stop pushing them

 **klaustrophe** : im not!

 **va** **va** **voom** : lmao ok

 **ally** : just lay off them for a lil

 **klaustrophe** : im considering this

 **klaustrophe** : and ive decided

 

 **klaustrophe** **has** **added** **smartcar** **to** **the** **CHAT!**

 

 **smartcar** : no

 **klaustrophe** : what they said

 **va** **va** **voom** : im tired

 **ally** : i dont hate the hargreeves. yall just annoying. God Bles.

 **sasuke** : this is sickening

 **smartcar** : diego is right 

 **klaustrophe** : is there a girl?? or a boy?? maybe an enby??? is there multiple?? speak!

 **smartcar** : theres the void

 **sasuke** : wow and yall have the nerve to call me sasuke?

 **bentacles** : i cant believe five is having their emo phase three years late

 **sasuke** : just like their puberty

 **smartcar** : this is unwarranted assault

 **sasuke** : no assault is warranted

 **smartcar** :...maybe....

 **bentacles** : ominous

 **ally** : i do have to admit that five is unusally short for their age. 

 **va** **va** **voom** : and angry

 **klaustrophe** : and their skin is very clear???? why is their skin so clear???

 **bentacles** : they are very stupid too

 **sasuke** : pretty sure only prepubescent kids join choirs and get arrested for death threats

 **bentacles** : what

 **ally** : What.

 **va** **va** **voom** : oh my fucking god five

 **smartcar** : who is five?

 **sasuke** : was rhat whole thing a secret

 **klaustrophe** : HEWISJ THATS WHERE U WERE THAT DAY??? 

 **sasuke** : yall actually believed they went on a fishing trip? with me? if five is with me for longer than an hour the  they are definitely arrested

 **smartcar** : we get it you work with the police

 **ally** : FIVE

 **va** **va** **voom** : this is so funny

 **klaustrophe** : im so proud

 **bentacles** : of course you are

 **smartcar** : that bastard deserved it

 **ally** : what the FUCK did you do

 **smartcar** : i asked some doctor a question and he said no so i...

 **sasuke** : you literally physically assaulted him five you grabbed him by the collar and was mean asf i read the report

 **ally** : oh mt GOD 

 **klaustrophe** : this is amazing

 **bentacles** : ive given up on all of you

 **va** **va** **voom** : a DOCTOR?? WHAT DID HE DO

 **smartcar** : wouldn’t answer the question and then was super patronizing bc im short! thats deserved in my eyes.

 **va** **va** **voom** : u...u went to jail because a man called u short and that...ok

 **ally** : this is 

 **ally** : next level oh my fuckfiejdksnd

 **sasuke** : klaus is chaotic neutral, five is chaotic evil, im lawful neutral, allison is neutral good, vanya is chaotic good, luther is lawful good and ben is lawful evil

 **ally** : im considering this

 **smartcar** : im not evil nor am i chaotic

 **bentacles** : five is once again wrong!

 **va** **va** **voom** : mmmmm

 **va** **va** **voom** : i think we are all somewhat chaotic

 **sasuke** : say that to five’s almost criminal record (thank u me and eudora), klaus’ entire life and ur emotions lmao

 **va va voom** : h

 **ally:**  yeah compared to u three the rest of us r weak

 


	5. sorry for dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao ok im back i had a break and i should be back to my update schedule. ive had like a week long hangover and then made it worse bc my alcoholic ass doesnt know when to stop :)
> 
> names:  
> smartcar: five  
> ally: allison  
> klaustrophe: klaus  
> bentacles: ben  
> va va voom: vanya  
> sasuke: diego  
> alabama complex: luther

**ally:** IM FUCKING CRYING

 **klaustrophe:** WH

 **bentacles:** what the fuck have you done now

 **sasuke:** PLEASEHEJDJDJ ALLISON IM FUCKFOTJF

 **ally:** EHHEEHEKDHSK I HAVE TO DIEGO IM SORRU

 **sasuke:** THE BETRAYAL

 **ally:** JDJSJDKS OK SO ME DIEGO AND FIVE DECIDED TO HAVE A NICE DAY OUT 😌😌 AND IT ENDED UP BEING THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

 **smartcar** : shut up

 **ally** : WE WENT TO TOYS R US BC CLAIRES BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP AND I WAS LIKE OMG DIEGO...SHE HAS ALL THESE SMALL TOY STORY TOYS AND THERES BIGGER VERSIONS..MAYBE GET SOME FOR HER? 

 **smartcar** : sigh

 **klaustrophe** : i love where this is going 

 **bentacles** : last time i was in toys r us klaus thought the piñatas were already filled and promptly destroyed a whole shelf

 **va** **va** **voom** : jesus christ

 **ally** : DIEGO WAS LIKE OK...GOOD IDEA 

 **sasuke** : IT ENDED UP NOT BEING A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE I FUCKING LEFT WITH NOTHING BC SJALDJAL MY BRAINEISKD

 **smartcar** : your brain? i never even believed you had one, this incident only proved that theory right

 **ally** : JDKSJDJDJDJSJSJ THIS MF WALKED UP TO SOME WORKER AND SAIDJEJDJD

 **smartcar** : “do you have a big woody?” 

 **klaustrophe** : OHDNSODNWIDJE

 **bentacles** : HALEHDKWND HHHHHHHH

 **va** **va** **voom** : oh wOWISOS

 **ally** : HEHEHEHE AND THIS WORKER JUST BLUSHES AND DIEGO BLINKS AT HIM FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE REALISING WHAT HE SAID AND JUST GOES “i mean, its a valid question”

 **smartcar** : allison fucking screamed. like...no exaggeration she SCREAMED it was so loud. she deadass had to sit on the ground she was laughing so much.

 **sasuke** : HELWNSKWBDLWBDLQND

 **klaustrophe** : DIEGOSSHODBSKSNS

 **bentacles** : I HATE YOUDJWKDJWDJWMD OH MY G OFJSKDJE

 **klaustrophe** : di d you find out if he did or not

 **smartcar** : no because i stormed out in disappointment and diego followed

 **va** **va** **voom** : what happened to allison

 **smartcar** : we were in the car and diego was trying to validate himself i was like..uhm no. then allison stumbled out and towards the car still laughing and-hhhhhh

 **sasuke** : JDJDJDJSJ SHEHEJEHD SHE HIT HER HEAD ON THE CAR AND JUST CARRIED ON LAUGHING FJSKSJDKSN SHE JUST SAT IN THE CAR HOLDING HER HEAD AND WHEEXIGNJD

 **klaustrophe** : HAHAHDNEKDN💀💀💀

 **bentacles** : ALLISOSND

 **alabama** **complex** : ALLISON ARE YOU OKAY?!!

 **ally** : YEAHSKENDKDJDLSN

 **va** **va** **voom** : this is why you are all banned from adulthood

 **smartcar** : vanya you cant say shit

 **va** **va** **voom** : TYEEUDUSU😌😌😌 blessed be me

 **smartcar** : die

 **bentacles** : i have a feeling theres something else JDLWNDKABD THAT WASNT CHAOTIC ENOUGH

 **smartcar** : dont you fucking dare diego

 **sasuke** : HEHEHEHHEHEH 

 **smartcar** : this is genuinely the worst day of my life and you’re all going to pay for it

 **sasuke** : BAISCALLY WE DECIDED WE WERE HUNGRY FROM ALL THAT LAUGHING AND WENT TO SOME FAST FOOD THING

 **ally** : five made us go to a vegan one

 **smartcar** : 😌😌 blessed be me

 **va** **va** **voom** : i hate you

 **smartcar** : i am the leader of the vegarmy and you will Die first vanya

 **va** **va** **voom** : bet

 **sasuke** : JSJSJSJS AND THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO WAS STOOD NEXT TO THEM AND BEAR IN MIND THAT FIVE IS LIKE JUST UNDER 5’0 AND THEN THIS MACHO MAN WAS LIKE 6’4

 **bentacles** : LMAODJEKDJSKDN 

 **klaustrophe** : did five fucking die

 **smartcar** : yes

 **klaustrophe** : OHEJDHDJDJD

 **sasuke** : THIS GUY STARTED USHERING HIS FAMILY OVER TO LOOK AT THE MENUS ON THE WALL AND HEHDKSJD HE FUCKING PUNCHES FIVE

 **bentacles** : HAHSJDKANDLSBD OHY MTJSKS

 **va** **va** **voom** : good

 **smartcar** : shut up idiot

 **sasuke** : NSJSJDJSJJDJD AND THERES JUST FUCKIGN BLOOD EVERYWHERJRKEJFOSNDKE THEIR NOSE IS JUST A FUCKIGB FOUNTAINRJSLF

 **va** **va** **voom** : KELWDKWBD

 **sasuke** : BEEFY BOY IS JUST STARING AT THEM HORRIFIED, ME AND ALLISON ARE FUCKIG  CRYING YET AGAIN, THE WORKERS ARE JUST SHOCKED AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

 **ally** : FIVE JUST GOES “oh.” AND FUCKING STARES AT THE BLOOD ALL IVER THE PLACE AS IF IT ISNT THEIRS

 **klaustrophe** : HAKSHDOWND OH MY GODKSJDKSB OF COURSE THEY WOUDLEKDI

 **ally** : then five just wALKS CASUALLY UP TO THE COUNTER AS IF THEY HADNT JUST FUCKING BEEN PUNCHED AND ORDERS SOME FOOD??? THIS WORKER IS LIKE UHMMM BUT JUST ACCEPTS THIS BLOODY DOLLAR BILL OUT OF THIS TWELVE YEAR OLDS HANDS AND IS SO SCARED BC OF THE SMILE FIVE GIVES OFNEIFME

 **klaustrophe** : FIVE YOU CANT JUST DO THATSIDH

 **smartcar** : why the fuck noT I WAS IN PAIN

 **sasuke** : FIVE GETS THEIR FOOD AND HEADS OUT THE BUILDING COMPLETELY IGNORING EVERYONES STARES AND THE FAVT THEY JUST LEFT BLOOD LITERALLY EVERYWHERE THERE WAS SO MUCH

 **bentacles** : jesus christ five is it broken

 **smartcar** : no

 **ally** : this guy came out the bathroom to a bloody handprint on the exit and an actual bloodbath and just blinks before saying “i was gone for two minutes and someone got murdered? really?” and just sighs and i fucking died

 **smartcar** : I NEARLY FUCKING DIED TODAY

 **bentacles** : you cant just do tHAT FIVE

 **smartcar** : I NEARLY DIED FROM BLOOD LOSS AND UR SAT HERE SAYING I CANT DO WHAT? ORDER FOOD? EAT? GET ENERGY BACK?

 **bentacles** : oHRJJED MY FORJEOWBD

 **klaustrophe** : GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL

 **smartcar** : WHY WOULD I DO THAT

 **klaustrophe** : YOU CANT CLAIM YOU BEARLY DIED AND THEN NOT GO TO THE HOPSITAL

 **smartcar** : what the FUCK is ur problem

 **ally** : idk but its very worrying u bled that much from a tap on the nose

 **smartcar** : he fucking HIT ME with the force of a thousand fuckig bricks excuse me if i bleed a lil

 **sasuke** : A LIL??? MF 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay rights  
> ALSO I HAD TO MAKE FIVE VEGAN BC OF OUR KING AIDAN 😌


	6. dolores is the best tua character

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehe
> 
> ru-mour-ru-ru-mour: allison  
> benjamin franklin: ben
> 
> bentacles: ben  
> smartcar: five  
> ally: allison  
> alabama complex: luther  
> sasuke: diego  
> klaustrophe: klaus  
> va va voom: vanya  
> dolly parton: dolores
> 
> bitch: ben  
> kunt: klaus

**PRIVATE** **MESSAGE**

**ru** - **mour** - **ru** - **ru** - **mour** -> **benjamin** **franklin**

 

**ru** - **mour** - **ru** - **ru** - **mour** : BEN

**benjamin** **franklin** : what

**ru** - **mour** - **ru** - **ru** - **mour** : DONT TELL KLAUS

**ru** - **mour** - **ru** - **ru** - **mour** : BUT I FOUND OUT WHO FIVE LIKES

**benjamin** **franklin** : hm...eye sea...☕️🐸

**ru** - **mour** - **ru** - **ru** - **mour** : SHIS SHOULD I ADD HER TO THE CHAT

**bejamin** **franklin** : u legit just said not to tell klaus he IS gonna find out if u add them

**ru** - **mour** - **ru** - **ru** - **mour** : HSJAZ SHUT UP THIS IS GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL

 

**GC**

**ally** : hello shishters

**va** **va** **voom** : oh no what do you want now

**ally** : vanya that is no way to treat ur shishter

**va** **va** **voom** : i dont have a shishter

**ally** : 😔😔

**bentacles** : five

**smartcar** : no

**bentacles** : WH

**bentacles** : motherfucker aint even gonna let me speak i see how it is...fuck you

**smartcar** : what u gonna do abt it pussy

**bentacles** : allison.

 

**ally** **added** **dolly** **parton** **to** **the** **CHAT**!

 

**smartcar** : oh

**smartcar** : Oh No.

**dolly** **parton** : BDOABDJE WH

**smartcar** : E

**ally** : did we break them

**smartcar** : EEEEEEEEEE

**dolly** **parton** : yes you did

**klaustrophe** : whomst

**bentacles** : pm

 

**PRIVATE** **MESSAGE**

**bitch** -> **kunt**

 

**bitch** : fives crush

**kunt** : OH FUCK

**kunt** : damn....u really did this for me?

**bitch** : allison did this for five

**kunt** : 😔

**kunt** : i see the type of person you are

 

**GC**

**smartcar** : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

**klaustrophe** : HEHEHEHEHEHEH

**bentacles** : is this bitch really still spamming e

**va** **va** **voom** : yes also allison filled me in and let me just say.....

 

**va** **va** **voom** **sent** **a** **video**!: [https://www.instagram.com/p/BvVXJnsHZeI/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=gk6pr51qyri9](https://www.instagram.com/p/BvVXJnsHZeI/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=gk6pr51qyri9)

 

**klaustrophe** : LMAODSNJD

**bentacles** : so....introduce urself dolly parton

**dolly** **parton** : dolores

**va** **va** **voom** : 10/10 intro there

**dolly** **parton** : thanks its my name

**ally** : 😌😌shes a comedian

**dolly** **parton** : hahaha now can someone please eggsplain what is happening

**sasuke** : huh

**klaustrophe** : oh fuck diego exists let me just fill him in

**bentacles** : u are in the sams choir group as five

**dolly** **parton** : OH

**dolly** **parton** : yes

**dolly** **parton** : we irritating

**smartcar** : KDUSKDHEKE

**dolly** **parton** : smartcar is five

**smartcar** : hhgg yes

**va** **va** **voom** : this is so beautiful five ur such a good communicator u should become a politician

**smartcar** : n

**smartcar** : no

**sasuke** : damn didnt even tell her to die this is special

**ally** : im allison, fives amazing and talented older sister 😌😌

**va** **va** **voom** : i am vanya

**dolly** **parton** : groot energy

**va** **va** **voom** : thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. five im stealing ur gf

**smartcar** : A

**dolly** **parton** : thats sweet she thinks we r dating

**smartcar** : HM YES HOW PECULIAR

**dolly** **parton** : five

**smartcar** : hm

**dolly** **parton** : trip

**smartcar** : 🗿🗿🗿ur shit

**dolly** **parton** : 😔😔tea

**smartcar** : never say that again

**dolly** **parton** : ☕️

**so smartcar** : im leaving you

**dolly** **parton** : okay bye slut

**smartcar** : 😌😌tea

**sasuke** : HUH

**ally** : maybe...maybe i just ascended

**dolly** **parton** : why the fuck is sasuke here? shouldnt u be fuckin naruto?

**sasuke** : NDHANDJSKDHWKBDE im diego and i have yet to find the naruto to my sasuke

**dolly** **parton** : ofc i hope u find ur stupud boyfriwnd one day

**sasuke** : thank you

**bentacles** : i am ben and im the bitch that has to make sure all these others bitches do nothing stupid

**dolly** **parton** : ur energy....gay

**bentacles** : dolly parton can achieve world peace

**dolly** **parton** : i already have, why do you think piers morgan is fucking dead?

**smartcar** : hes dead?

**dolly** **parton** : soon.

**klaustrophe** : HI IM KLAUS AND IM THE BESTEST BROTHER FIVE HAS :)

**dolly** **parton** : wild guess but are u the one who threw an apple at the principles forehead

**klaustrophe** : rhats me

**dolly** **parton** : five no longer best friend. only klaus.

**smartcar** : yall seein this shit?

**dolly** **parton** : idk maybe u should get ur eyes checked

**smartcar** : 💀

**dolly** **parton** : a s elf portrait....

**smartcar** : I HATEYDIEHFKSBD

**alabama** **complex** : Oh my God. It’s Dolly Parton.

**sasuke** : oh no

**ally** : OH FUCK

**klaustrophe** : this is gonna go well

**bentacles** : luther im goung to slaughter u

**alabama** **complex** : You can’t do that, it’s illegal.

**bentacles** : fuck the laws of this land, i will slaughter you

**dolly** **parton** : luther is the sister fucker, no?

**sasuke** : FUCKSUSIDHE

**alabama** **complex** : Why is Dolly Parton saying that? Miss Parton, please.

**dolly** **parton** : no ur queen has spoken

**alabama** **complex** : Queen? Who do you think you are?

**dolly** **parton** : i already said. reread the first two words of my previous message: ur queen.

**smartcar** : this is why ur my favorite dolores

**dolly** **parton** : this is what god intended.

**sasuke** : we-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stan dolores bc we love her the beaut
> 
> also this is my fave chapter of this idk why


	7. aaa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UHM I AM WORM AND MAYBE I HAVENT GOT ANY FULL FICS FINISHED FOR U YET PLS BE PATIENT I PROMISE ILL POST PROPERLY TOMORROW MY HEALTH DID A DIVE
> 
> smartcar: five  
> sasuke: diego  
> klaustrophe: klaus  
> ally: allison  
> alabama complex: luther  
> bentacles: ben  
> dolly parton: dolores  
> va va voom: vanya
> 
> limp dick: ben  
> mia khalifa: allison
> 
> eudora the explorer: eudora  
> asian bob ross: helen  
> kins popeye: dave

**sasuke** : good morning today feels like my day yknow a diego day....diegoday...diegay...day

 **klaustrophe** : are you???? ok??? what are u saying

 **dolly** **parton** : diegay is vaguely threatening.

 **va** **va** **voom** : yeah isnt that a hate crime

 **ally** : its a day. be respectful.

 **alabama** **complex** : Diego.

 **sasuke** : oh my fucking god do not ruin this for me luther

 **dolly** **parton** : oop

 **va** **va** **voom** : pls dont fight 🗿

 **alabama** **complex** : I haven’t done anything.

 **sasuke** : you are gods biggest regret

 **smartcar** :....hes not wrong

 **dolly** **parton** : yall really hate him huh

 **smartcar** : mhm

 **ally** : we dont hate him

 **smartcar** : hah

 **ally** : most of us

 **dolly** **parton** : eye sea

 **bentacles** : hey guys remember that one time diego woke up in a good mood and put on normal fucking clothes that didnt make him look like a gimp and then promptly fell down the fucking stairs.

 **klaustrophe** : im worried ben that was a lot of fucking

 **bentacles** : no

 **smartcar** : thank you ben. very cool

 **sasuke** : did you just call me a gimp

 **bentacles** : i said ur clothes make u look like a gimp. ur the one that came to that conclusion.

 **sasuke** : u literally just called me a gimp

 **bentacles** : sounds like a you problem 😌

 **va** **va** **voom** : this is why our family is hated

 **smartcar** : no im pretty sure we are hated bc of our dad

 **va** **va** **voom** :....printer fax

 **smartcar** : oh my fucking god

 **dolly** **parton** : im feeling very at home right now

 **klaustrophe** : thats worrying

 **klaustrophe** : you really shouldnt feel at home with the hargreeves

 **bentacles** : fr fr none of us even feel at home

 **ally** : im 14 and this is deep

 **bentacles** : allison you have seven days

 **ally** : thats enough time to Kill You

 **bentacles** :...no....

 **bentacles** : you wouldnt

 **ally** : i would

 **va** **va** **voom** : she would

 

 **PRIVATE** **MESSAGE**

 **limp** **dick** -> **mia** **khalifa**

 

 **limp** **dick** : allison

 **limp** **dick** : u wouldnt kill me

 **mia** **khalifa** : how would you know that

 **mia** **khalifa** : im in my secret base planning ur demise rn actually

 **limp** **dick** : rolls eyes

 **limp** **dick** : i still owe you.

 **mia** **khalifa** : god i hate that ur right

 

**GC**

**sasuke** : did everyone just fucking die

 **smartcar** : i wish

 **dolly** **parton** : these people are ur siblings five bee respectful

 **smartcar** : please dont say bee im traumatised

 **ally** : oh?

 **va** **va** **voom** : bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee

 **smartcar** : hm. vanya has lost number one spot in the list of favourite siblings. ben is now king.

 **bentacles** : why the fuck was i not already number one

 **smartcar** : vanya bought me neopolitan icecream yesterday.

 **ally** : that is a very good reason for her to rule the list. where am i?

 **smartcar** : fourth.

 **ally** : out of six? im honoured.

 **smartcar** : good.

 **ally** : wait whos third???

 **smartcar** : diego.

 **bentacles** : LMAO KLAUS IS FIFTH

 **smartcar** : who the fuck said vanya was second.

 **ally** : the fact that shes always been ur favorite

 **smartcar** : you know what ur right.

 **klaustrophe** : im pretty sure this counts as homophobia

 **smartcar** : how

 **klaustrophe** : bc im gay and ur being mean

 **smartcar** : then i guess i hate gays

 **ally** : oh my god u hate gays

 **sasuke** : that is literally everyone here

 **sasuke** : apart from luther

 **smartcar** : Gays are so annoying. God Bles.

 **sasuke** : luther energy

 **alabama** **complex** : What?

 **klaustrophe** : what is this about bees

 **dolly** **parton** : IM GLAD U ASKED

 **smartcar** : dolores is2g im going to snap harder than thanos please dont

 **dolly** **parton** : basically we were in class bc me and five also share a few classes together 😌

 **bentacles** : heheheheheh

 **ally** : ben thats scary

 **dolly** **parton** : and we were in RE bc we are forced plus if we dont go we get kicked out of choir for lack of attendance

 **klaustrophe** : ur saying theres a way out of choir and five voluntarily didnt opt for it? we-

 **smartcar** : i hope you die

 **dolly** **parton** : school whack with sumn shit they teach

 **ally** ; this is true

 **dolly** **parton** : mhm. and the birds and the bees come up as a topic.

 **klaustrophe** : TASTYEHEKFBRE

 **bentacles** : oh my fucking god i can see where rhis is going

 **ally** : AHAKDBDKSND

 **dolly** **parton** : i snort so fucking loud when the presentation loaded lemme just fuckin establish that, five just sighs bc they’re stupid

 **smartcar** : uncalled for

 **dolly** **parton** : teacher goes ‘the bees are like humans. they take and take and take until they get stomped on and die’

 **ally** : thats....graphic

 **dolly** **parton** : mf sat next to me goes ‘thats not....’ and she SNAPS i swear to fucking god i was so scared her eyes instantly just bug out of her head i was terrified

 **smartcar** : she turns to me and goes ‘MR HARGREEVES’ and i go ‘MA’AM’ like really loudly to counter her bc do not call me that and she fucking stares at me ‘HARGREEVES CHILD PLEASE REFRAIN FROM INTERRUPTING’ and i go ‘BEES DONT FUCK’ and sHE JUST STARES AT ME AND DOLORES IS CRYITNFJSJWKDJWKD I CANTIWK

 **dolly** **parton** : NDHWKDB MF IM SORRY BUTJEKDJD

 **klaustrophe** : bees dont fuck....

 **smartcar** : THEY DONT

 **smartcar** : wait omg do they

 **dolly** **parton** : idk but its over now and u got suspended for a week

 **ally** : fIVE SUWKD

 **smartcar** : DONT CALL ME MR AND I WONT SAY SHIT

 **dolly** **parton** : SHE CALLED U THAT BC U INTERRUPTED FIRST

 **smartcar** : THAT AINT AN EXCUSE!!! ITS MX OR MISS OR DR OR NOTHING

 **bentacles** : MX AND MISS I UNDERSTAND BUT DR??? MF WHAT

 **smartcar** : SHUT UP ILL FUCKING KILL YOU

 **bentacles** : NO???? U ARENT A DOCTOR FIVE

 **smartcar** : ITS GENDER NEUTRAL

 **bentacles** : MISS ISNT

 **smartcar** : FUCK YOU YOU KNOW IM OK WITH FEMININE TERMS

 **bentacles** : WHY ARE WE ARGUING

 **smartcar** : BECAUSE UR STUPID

 **bentacles** : SILENCE LESBIAN

 **smartcar** : WHATSNSHDKSJDKE ONE: U CANT SILENCE LESBIANS THEYRE POWERFUL TWO: IM BISEXUAL

 **sasuke** : im fucking crying

 **ally** : i hate this

 **va** **va** **voom** : me, helen and allison are banding together to kill ben- the lesbian silencer

 **ally** : NSAKDBKS ADD HELEN AND EUDORA

 **sasuke** : eudora is not a lesbian

 **smartcar** : no shes my emotional support pansexual now bring her

 

 **va** **va** **voom** **added** **eudora** **the** **explorer** **and** **asian** **bob** **ross** **to** **the** **CHAT**!

 

 **smartcar** : EUDORA

 **sasuke** : EUDORA

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : hello

 **smartcar** : HOW ARE U

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : 😌😌im ok wbu

 **smartcar** : im good now that ur here 😌😌

 **sasuke** : eudora listen to me

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : yall hear sumn?

 **ally** : eUDORA

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : DHANDJS ALLISON HI

 **ally** : MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : WE ARENT MARRIED BUT I LOVE U ALL THE SAME

 **ally** : OOSOSISJSJ💗💗💕💗💗💗

 **klaustrophe** : i can physically feel my teeth fucking rotting

 **dolly** **parton** : hello eudora i am dolores

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : omg hi ur fives gf

 **smartcar** : nnn

 **dolly** **parton** : huh

 **bentacles** : this is so soft. but quick question

 **va** **va** **voom** : shoot

 **bentacles** : helen why is ur name asian bob ross

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : im asian. and im an artist.

 **bentacles** : you play the violin

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : music? is? art?

 **bentacles** : oh shit ur right nvm i went brain dead for a second there

 **klaustrophe** : ha

 **va** **va** **voom** : helen 😔

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : vanya 😔

 **va** **va** **voom** : we have to kill ben

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : why

 **va** **va** **voom** : wanted to silence lesbians

 **bentacles** : i wanted to silence five

 **sasuke** : yes by saying ‘silence lesbian’

 **ally** : they arent even a lesbian ben

 **bentacles** : im aware

 **klaustrophe** : o mighty lesbians can i join u in this quest

 **ally** : yes

 **va** **va** **voom** : ok

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : are u a lesbian?

 **klaustrophe** : no but i will follow the religion where u pray to lesbians

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : thats???

 **klaustrophe** : im buddhist but i can be converted

 **smartcar** : wild

 **dolly** **parton** : wait is everyone here a different religion im tripping five i thought ur ehole family was jewish

 **smartcar** :....no....u just presumed that

 **dolly** **parton** : eye sea...is anyone else jewish?

 **ally** : no

 **dolly** **parton** : huh

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : wiccans make some noise

 **ally** : 😌😌😌

 **dolly** **parton** : 😌😌😌

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : omg lets rise

 **dolly** **parton** : we are the New World

 **klaustrophe** : wtf five stfu dave is jewish

 **smartcar** : dave isnt related to me

 **klaustrophe** : technicALLY none of us are

 **smartcar** : never say that again.

 **ally** : adopted siblings = siblings

 **klaustrophe** : wair why the FUCK ISNT DAVE HERE

 **va** **va** **voom** : oh my god we forgot dave

 **bentacles** : you mean YOU forgot dave

 **va** **va** **voom** : my responsibility was to add the girls

 

 **klaustrophe** **added** **kins** **popeye** **to** **the** **CHAT**!

 

 **kins** **popeye** : klaus...what is this?

 **kins** **popeye** : why is this my name? what have ypu done?

 **klaustrophe** : ive done u a favour babe

 **bentacles** : BABE

 **klaustrophe** : ur dead to me

 **smartcar** : omg dave

 **kins** **popeye** : omg five

 **ally** : why does five know everyone

 **smartcar** : i didnt know helen

 **dolly** **parton** : u do now

 **smartcar** : yeah????? wtf no shit

 **dolly** **parton** : im just little worm please stop shouting at me

 **va** **va** **voom** : ur so nice dolores im surprised u and five get along

 **klaustrophe** : yeah fives type of people live in retirement homes

 **smartcar** : god ur the worst im 16 not 58

 **kins** **popeye** : u think 58 year olds are in retirement homes?

 **smartcar** : i dont fucking know dave i dont go to one do i

 **kins** **popeye** : dolores how old are you

 **smartcar** : shes not a pensioner

 **kins** **popeye** : idk

 **dolly** **parton** : im not a pensioner

 **sasuke** : dolores this might be confusing but have you been diagnosed with dementia any time recently

 **dolly** **parton** : oh my fucking god trust me when i say im 17

 **ally** : YOURE 17?????

 **dolly** **parton** : yes?????

 **smartcar** : thats what she just said

 **sasuke** : HOW ARE U IN THEIR CLASSES IF UR 17

 **smartcar** : IM 16 NOT 12

 **dolly** **parton** : im only a couple months older than them

 **va**   **va**   **voom** : omg our babey five is the youngest here

 **smartcar** : STOP

 **ally** : my babiest sibling is so grown up....

 **smartcar** : i hate you

 **bentacles** : teenagers r so mean

 **klaustrophe** : we should take away their phone

 **smartcar** : i actually fucking hate you all

 **kins** **popeye** : take their phone

 **smartcar** : DONT

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : do it

 **sasuke** : five im coming up the stairs

 **smartcar** : im at school

 **sasuke** : wait omg u are???

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : its....1pm yeah they should be at school

 **sasuke** : should be

 **va** **va** **voom** : should be doesnt mean shit

 **dolly** **parton** : theyre with me in biology rn

 **ally** ; why are u on ur phones in class

 **dolly** **parton** : Oh Fuck We Made A Big Mistake

 **dolly** **parton** : five turned off their phone and said ‘yall so irritating im tryna work’ as if they werent the one spamming the chat

 **kins** **popeye** : i thought they were suspended

 **dolly** **parton** ; suspension starting tomorrow

 **kins** **popeye** : for swearing. a week.

 **dolly** **parton** : i did say school whack lucjily theyre an A* student

 **va** **va** **voom** : ew smart

 **dolly** **parton** : dw im only a B student

 **ally** : THATS SMART

 **klaustrophe** : i was a U student

 **klaustrophe** : they literally wouldnt even grade some of my papers

 **ally** : YOU GOT AN A ON UR FINALS KLAUS SHUT UP

 **klaustrophe** : who said that was My Work?

 **kins** **popeye** : this is disappointing i thought u would make me rich

 **klaustrophe** : ME? i literally? work? as? a? fortune teller?

 **kins** **popeye** : fortune tellers can earn hella dosh

 **sasuke** : hella dosh...who speaks like that

 **kins** **popeye** : uhhhm me?

 **sasuke** : trash.

 **bentacles** : allison has money

 **kins** **popeye** : shes also a lesbian

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : my rich gf 😌

 **bentacles** : i cant believe theres 5 successful hargreeves kids and one of those is still in school klaus a whole child surpassed u

 **klaustrophe** : say that again when im a famous medium

 **ally** : thats true! klaus is already well known

 **kins** **popeye** : five got reallt good vocal chords though

 **bentacles** : ur right but u shouldnt say it their ego is big enough

 **kins** **popeye** : allison is fAMOUS, klaus is a fortune teller, ben is a fucking olympian, luther is trash (also an olympian), diego is a police officer, five is in school, vanya is a musician

 **kins** **popeye** ; IMAGINE HAVINNG A FMSILY LIKE THAT PLUS UR DAD IS A LAWYER AND UR MUM IS A TV CHEF OGMSIDK UR MUM IS GORGON RAMSEY

 **bentacles** ; MUM IS NOT GORDON Rams- oh my god she is

 **klaustrophe** : SHES NICE TO US HOW

 **bentacles** : PLS SHES SO POWERFUL HAVE U SEEN HER ON TV???

 **ally** : and that one time she hit a guy in the street for catcalling her

 **sasuke** : that one time she got so pissed off on tv that she just smiled at the bitch and proceeded to ‘accidentally’ slam his head in the oven

 **va** **va** **voom** : holy shit i remember that

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : arent ur parents divorced

 **klaustrophe** : allison and vanya arent the only lesbians in the family

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : JRJSJDJJD

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : wait who do you live with

 **ally** ; we are adults helen.

 **sasuke** : me and eudora have a flat together, klaus and ben have a house, vanya literally lives wih you helen, five lives wih mum, luther lives in his own house, allison also has a massive house

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : bitch i obviously knew vanyas situation idiot

 **sasuke** : ooo a bitch got some fire

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : a bitch gonna kill you i know that much

 **smartcar** : hey can someone pick me up from school yet bc klaus isnt here

 **klaustrophe** : oh fuck i forgot

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhh fuck
> 
> also im wiccan so if u r too then speak to me


	8. we irritating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dolly parton: dolores  
> smartcar: five  
> ally: allison  
> kins popeye: dave  
> alabama complex: luther  
> klaustrophe: klaus  
> bentacles: ben  
> asian bob ross: helen  
> eudora the explorer: eudora  
> sasuke: diego  
> va va voom: vanya
> 
> little russian lady: vanya  
> dolores umbridge: dolores
> 
> leonard; leonard

**klaustrophe** : oooohhhh my god

 **sasuke** : what now klaus

 **bentacles** : ohhhhh nooooo

 **sasuke** : wh

 **klaustrophe** : vanya honey i am so sorry

 **va** **va** **voom** : huh

 **va** **va** **voom** : what did you do

 **bentacles** : we didnt do anything!

 **sasuke** : thats hard to believe when u suddenly pop up with an apology

 **bentacles** : thats fair but i swear we didnt do anything

 **va** **va** **voom** : then what happened

 **klaustrophe** : EEEEEEEEEEEEE

 **bentacles** : HHHHHHHHHH

 **sasuke** : that doesnt help

 **bentacles** : KLAUS U WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT AFTER ME

 **va** **va** **voom** : that still wouldnt make sense

 **va** **va** **voom** : but continue

 **bentacles** : he

 **ally** : he?

 **sasuke** : who

 **va** **va** **voom** : oh.

 **ally** : hmmm- minecraft villager

 **ally** : i have no idea whats going on

 **va** **va** **voom** : l

 **va** **va** **voom** : i cant even type it out im SICK

 **sasuke** : wha

 **bentacles** : lllleoonard🤢🤢

 **ally** : OH EW

 **sasuke** : SICKENING WHAT THE FUCK

 **klaustrophe** : I FUCKING KNOW RIGHT??? DEADASS NEARLY THREW UP

 **bentacles** : disgusting.

 **klaustrophe** : still ugly as fuck too

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : oh fuck no

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : GROSS PLEASE TELL ME U KILLED HIM

 **ally** : u r police why are u telling them to kill someone

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : i could let this slide

 **sasuke** : murder is okay in some circumstances. this is one of those circumstances.

 **dolly** **parton** : who is leonard

 **va** **va** **voom** : YUCKY

 **ally** : vanyas ex

 **dolly** **parton** : oh

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : comphet is trash

 **va** **va** **voom** ; it wasnt comphet i just wasnt out

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : oh yikes

 **asian** **bob** **ross** ; klaus. ben. i will come with u on this journey of murdering leonard

 

 **klaustrophe** **added** **leonard** **to** **the** **CHAT**!

 

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

 **bentacles** : KLAUS

 **ally** : HOW DO U EVEN HAVE HIM ON HERE IM

 **va** **va** **voom** : im going to be SICK

 **sasuke** : mayhaps i will be breaking the law today

 **smartcar** : what the fuck have i just come back to

 **sasuke** : me murdering that twat

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** ; me and diego are going to commit a hate crime

 **va** **va** **voom** : can i join

 **klaustrophe** : me and ben were here first

 **bentacles** : do NOT clump me tpgether with u when u just added him here klaus

 **smartcar** : leonard.

 **leonard** : what is this

 **smartcar** : ur funeral.

 **leonard** : shit

 **leonard** : why

 **ally** : ur trash and ur getting what u deserve

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : im going to fucking kill you leonard.

 **va** **va** **voom** ; omg my hero

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : while u were busy being straight, i studied the blade!

 **smartcar** :....okay well as long as you can contribute to his death im not complaining

 **kins** **popeye** : 🔪🔪🔪🔪

 **klaustrophe** : god you’re so hot

 **kins** **popeye** : 😌😌🔪🔪

 **leonard** : i literally havent done anything

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : wrong u used vanya for her money

 **leonard** : that....is a point

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : i have to kill a con man for my girlfriend naturally.

 **leonard** : honestly? that’s respectable

 **smartcar** : i cant believe 9 people are going to kill 1

 **dolly** **parton** : i am back with my gun. and it is cocked.

 **smartcar** ; why do you have a gun

 **dolly** **parton** : bitch dont start do u KNOW who u are

 **smartcar** : thats a very good point. but im a shooter on left 4 dead. not on real people.

 **dolly** **parton** : that....is true. my gun is gone.

 **ally** : do you actuallt have a gun?

 **dolly** **parton** : no

 **ally** : shucks

 **dolly** **parton** : do u want me to have a gun?

 **ally** ; i want to see leonard dead thats what i want dolores

 **va** **va** **voom** : leonard i hope you changed ur locks

 **leonard** : huh

 **va** **va** **voom** : omw cunt

 **leonard** : HUH

 **leonard** : the startling thing is that i actuallt do fear for my life rn

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : good bc we r outside ur door

 **leonard** : what

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : well. everyone but dolores and dave and luther

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : get here now

 **kins** **popeye** : drop the location

 **smartcar** : u scared yet leonard? gonna cry? gonna piss ur pants? gonna shit and cum?

 **va** **va** **voom** : please never say that again five

 **klaustrophe** : leonard i hope ur crying in the corner of ur bedroom u pussy bitch

 **leonard** ; ur literally just stood at my door aggressively typing im not worried anymore at all

 **va** **va** **voom** : OH FUCK

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : oh my god cant we arrest you for that

 **sasuke** : yes we could but are we going to

 **dolly** **parton** : what the fuck happened

 **bentacles** : helen and allison busted the door down

 **ally** : five isnt the only one in trouble with the police now 😎

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : that isnt something to flex about allison

 **ally** : please it sounded cooler in my head

 **smartcar** : now we are just stood at an empty door frame with a scared leonard as we just type on our phones silently

 **leonard** : i feel like maybe i should be running now

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : two lesbians just kicked down ur door i would be running too

 **va** **va** **voom** : im going to marry you helen

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : thank you

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : vanya we are so lucky

 **va** **va** **voom** : we really are

 **klaustrophe** : can welike????????? do something im getting antsy

 **bentacles** : antsy

 **klaustrophe** : got those ants in my pants

 **kins** **popeye** : god ur so annoying i love u

 **klaustrophe** : oh! ily2

 **smartcar** : yes lets fucking murder him

 **sasuke** : i cant allow that this has alrwady gone too far

 **alabama** **complex** : Where are you all?

 **sasuke** : luther im arresting allison and helen

 **alabama** **complex** : Why?

 **sasuke** ; because they commited a crime????

 **alabama** **complex** : I’m devastated.

 **smartcar** : JEKSNDKABDLA WHY DID THAT MAKE ME LAUGH

 **dolly** **parton** : yall really dont just like...calm down?

 **sasuke** : no

 **sasuke** : ur partner has a criminal record dolores

 **dolly** **parton** : only one?

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : NDHANDJANDJKS

 **va** **va** **voom** : wait

 **sasuke** : omg

 **va** **va** **voom** : WAIT

 **ally** : did i just see that correctly

 **klaustrophe** : lemme move my bang so i can read that again

 **bentacles** : OH IT TOOK ME A MOMENT BUT IK WHAT UR TALKING ABT NOW

 **dolly** **parton** : what

 **va** **va** **voom** : U DIDNT DENY THE YOUR PARTNER THIG

 **dolly** **parton** : five is my lab partner

 **bentacles** : YOU FUCKING KNOW THATS NOT WHAT PARTNER MEANS

 **dolly** **parton** : you got me there

 **ally** : HOLT SHIT DOES THIS MEAN???

 **smartcar** : A

 **dolly** **parton** : no it doesnt i just didn’t address it i was more focused on the criminal fucking record part

 **smartcar** : i dont even have a criminal record diego and eudora got me out of it

 **dolly** **parton** ; oh ik im just surprised u havent been arrested for anything else

 **smartcar** : thats offensive

 **dolly** **parton** : piss off

 **smartcar** : rude

 **dolly** **parton** :.....

 

 **PRIVATE** **MESSAGE**

 **dolores** **umbridge** ->  **little** **russian** **lady**

 

 **dolores** **umbridge** : vanya.

 **little** **russian** **lady** : dolORES EHAT IS THIS

 **dolores** **umbridge** : do i say fuck it

 **little** **russian** **lady** : OHDJSKFBLS

 **dolores** **umbridge** : we all know five is useless

 **little** **russian** **lady** : yes do it now do it do it do it do it

 **dolores** **umbridge** : oh my fucking god okay

 

**GC**

**smartcar** : thats ominous

 **sasuke** : huh

 **va** **va** **voom** : HEHEHEHEHHE

 **bentacles** : did klaus fucking possess you? vanya what

 **leonard** : can u leave yet

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : what? oh right we r still at ur place

 

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** **kicked** **leonard** **from** **the** **CHAT**!

 

 **dolly** **parton** : five

 **va** **va** **voom** : AHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHH

 **smartcar** : wh

 **dolly** **parton** : be the shrek to my fiona

 **smartcar** : what

 **dolly** **parton** : be the donkey to my dragon

 **smartcar** : did you just call me a donkey

 **dolly** **parton** : be the bi to my tch

 **smartcar** : bitch?

 **klaustrophe** : idk five has more tch energy

 **dolly** **parton** : thats true

 **va** **va** **voom** : this is pathetic five just date her

 **sasuke** : W

 **ally** : OH MY GOD

 **bentacles** : was that meant to be a confession

 **dolly** **parton** : yes actually

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : five are u dead

 **smartcar** : huh? can you uhhh fucking repeat that please

 **sasuke** : wh

 **smartcar** : sorry just having a fucking aneurysm

 **smartcar** : are u serious

 **dolly** **parton** : i think so

 **smartcar** : wrong answer

 **dolly** **parton** : hsqkbskad yes five im fucking serious

 **ally** : this is so sweet

 **smartcar** : HUH

 **smartcar** : i mean....

 **dolly** **parton** : i swear to fucking god if u say no in front of everyone here im going to go beserk

 **smartcar** : why would i say no you toe sucker

 **ally** : AAAAAA

 **klaustrophe** : whoever said romance is dead?

 **dolly** **parton** : is that ur way of saying yes

 **smartcar** ; yes

 **dolly** **parton** :,,,okay im totally not having a breakdown rn

 **bentacles** : im crying

 **klaustrophe** : god im so happy for yall

 **dolly** **parton** : thrhnak youi

 **ally** : jsldbskdhe are u ok

 **dolly** **parton** : NO WTF

 **va** **va** **voom** : ur supposed to be happy

 **dolly** **parton** : I AM I JUST AM CRYING

 **smartcar** : omw

 **dolly** **parton** : w

 **smartcar** : what the fuck did i say

 **smartcar** : ill be at yours in ten

 **ally** : omg five has a heart!

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : im reallt goin thru it rn

 **dolly** **parton** : we- okay.

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : this is beautiful

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY LITTLE RUSSIAN LADY!


	9. hhaha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so ive been writing a lot of angst for the bury a friend series in general and lemme tell u i have cried a lot
> 
> smartcar: five  
> dolly parton: dolores  
> sasuke: diego  
> ally: allison  
> va va voom: vanya  
> klaustrophe: klaus  
> bentacles: ben  
> asian bob ross: helen  
> eudora the explorer: eudora  
> alabama complex: luther  
> kins popeye: dave
> 
> also this is short bc im sleep deprived 🤪

**smartcar:** oh my fucking god

 **ally:** what did you do now

 **smartcar:** why do you instantly just assume it was me that did something

 **sasuke:** tbh it usually is

 **smartcar:** huh well...this time it was dolores

 **sasuke** : oh no

 **smartcar** : thank u for acknowledging how this can be fucked up

 **dolly** **parton** : i know my rights

 **smartcar** : HDKSHD THIS IS NOT PART OF THE CONSTITUTION DOLORES

 **dolly** **parton** : are u sure? have u read the constitution? did u write it?

 **ally** : p

 **ally** : please get on with it

 **eudora** **the**   **explorer** : dont be so fucking RUDE

 **ally** : do you wanna fight me

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : n..no

 **smartcar** : please so much just happened

 **smartcar** : everyone needs to be here

 **sasuke** : @everyone

 **klaustrophe** : what the fuck is your problem

 **bentacles** : @ ing everyone is singlehandedly the worst crime you can commit

 **sasuke** : five has a s tory

 **klaustrophe** : eye sea...

 **kins** **popeye** : get the fuck on with it 

 **ally** : oop

 **smartcar** : SO in RE we were doing a debate 

 **ally** : oh yikes we hate debates in religious classes

 **va** **va** **voom** : traumatic 

 **smartcar** : it was abt whether or not we can use gay as an insult

 **va** **va** **voom** : OH traumatic x2

 **klaustrophe** : i like debates like that bc they show who u can and cant trust

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** ; thats a bery depressing but true point

 **smartcar** : and dolores! fucking dolores! 

 **smartcar** : she turns around and says “if anyone calls me gay, ill just say that im straighter than the pole ur mother dances on”

 **dolly** **parton** : 😇😇

 **ally** : DOLORES

 **klaustrophe** : THIS IS WHY UR MY FAVOURITE BITCH IN THIS HOUSEJDKSJDKASAJSKSJSKSN

 **bentacles** : less effective since u r, in fact, not straight

 **dolly** **parton** : that is a very valid piece of criticism but heres this one thing

 **dolly** **parton** : its called i dont give a fuck

 **sasuke** : ooo ur hard

 **dolly** **parton** : did you just turn british

 **sasuke** : guys 😔😔im coming out as british

 **ally** : omg...

 **klaustrophe** : just dont rub it in my face and we’re ok

 **bentacles** : idk its pretty weird...i just hope its not all over tv

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : i mean think abt the kids...

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : i am okay with the british, but if my kid was one of them i dont know what i would do

 **kins** **popeye** : is it irreversible?

 **klaustrophe** : I S I T I R R E V E R S I B L E ?

 **va** **va** **voom** : NDEKDHSKSHSNSKSK 

 **va** **va** **voom** : i cant believe diego knows the queen

 **sasuke** : bitch...i just came out as british! i am the queen 😜😜 i am so quirky 

 **ally** : fun is ruined. everyone go home.

 **smartcar** : diego u ruined this family

 **alabama** **complex** : But where does the joke end?

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : OH FUCKSJDKDJDJSN

 **ally** : DID LUTHER JUSTSKWHD MAKE A JOKE???? THAT WAS ACTUALLY FUNNY??

 **sasuke** : im fucking devastated.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :£ thank u eliza for this idea sjsjjs


	10. 7263tef3gdhbsjak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go crazy ASHGYHAJKLS go stupid AKJDBHFIJSOK  
> another short chapter sorry-------------------------------------
> 
> sasuke: diego  
> smartcar: five  
> dolly parton: dolores  
> va va voom: vanya  
> ally: allison  
> asian bob ross: helen  
> eudora the explorer: eudora  
> klaustrophe: klaus  
> bentacles: ben

**Eudora the explorer:** today....diego loses the rest of his rights

 **sasuke:** what the FUCK

 **va va voom:** jesus Christ diego you keep losing rights like every day

 **va va voom:** fucking stop

 **klaustrophe:** soon you will be all left

 **va va voom:** we-

 **sasuke:**....no....

 **klaustrophe:** hehehehehe 

 **bentacles:** Klaus you have less rights than diego

 **klaustrophe:** evident by how im left handed

 **Asian bob ross:** omg left handed king

 **klaustrophe:** tea

 **ally:** please stop

 **ally:** Eudora proceed

 **Eudora the explorer:** thank you

 **Eudora the explorer:** as I was saying 

 **Eudora the explorer:** today in the station

 **sasuke:** NO 

 **ally:** damn is it really that serious ma?

 **sasuke:** EUDORA DONT YOU DARE TELL THESE F I E N D S

 **smartcar:** excuse you

 **sasuke:** I WILL BE BULLIED FOR FUCKING YEARS OVER THIS S M A L L MISTAKE

**Eudora the explorer:** _some mistakes just cannot be forgiven_

**dolly parton:** is that a quote from five

 **smartcar:** actually die

 **dolly parton:** that is no way to treat ur gf

**smartcar:** _roblox death sound_

**klaustrophe:** KJSDJBHUDSAJI WHAT

**dolly parton:** _softly but with emotion-_ oof

**bentacles:** uhm...oui-

 **Eudora the explorer:** diego unplugged the mouse to his laptop, left, came back and then proceeded to struggle for like twenty minutes

 **sasuke:** E U D O R A 

 **klaustrophe:** is it only me that just realised that euDORA and DIEGO??????????? we in the matrix

 **bentacles:** Klaus please shut up

 **smartcar:** diego ur so fucking stupid

 **ally:** this is why we are known as the brainless family. we hold -29u3y289874362973uewy braincells

 **smartcar:** there are letters in there

 **ally:** we are so stupid we get numbers and letters mixed

 **klaustrophe:** that is very true

 **bentacles:** yeah I dont wanna know why you agreed Klaus I feel like I already have an idea

 **Eudora the explorer:** diego punched the computer and threw the mouse across the room and broke a window

 **dolly parton:** damn diego aint white but still got that white boy anger

 **smartcar:** hey diego quick question how many times a day do you punch a hole in ur wall

 **sasuke:** ur both vile creatures no wonder ur dating

 **va va voom:** diego u really need to go to anger management or sumn

 **sasuke:** my job is my anger management

 **ally:** are you fucking SURE?

 **bentacles:** u do not get to break shit and probably get fined for the damages at work, and then say that shit is ur anger management

 **klaustrophe:** FIVE ARE U AT MUMS HOUSE

 **smartcar:** IM ALREADY ON IT KLAUS

 **sasuke:** oh no what are you doing

 **smartcar:** IM GONNA SEE HOW MANY HOLES ARE IN UR WALLS

 **sasuke:** OH FUCK YOU UR SO MEAN

 **Eudora the explorer:** LMAOOOO HBSUIJOKD DIEGO JUST ACCEPT THE FACTS!

 **smartcar:** WE-BDHYSUIJOAPK[SKODSNJD

 **dolly parton:** oh my god I suddenly fear for my life

 **ally:** why

 **klaustrophe:** HAUISJDIHYGHJSI HOW MANY IS THERE

 **dolly parton:** hold on theyre counting

 **klaustrophe:** JHSDJ OJDHFU IS THERE REALLT THAT MANYD7FU

 **sasuke:** I NEVER PUNCHED MY WALLS

 **dolly parton:** really? then whats this?

 

**dolly parton sent 2 photos!**

 

 **sasuke:** photoshop

 **klaustrophe:** DIEFO WHY IS THERE SOM ANYEF8U9ISDO THEYRE ON THE FUCKIN G CEILING I HATE THIS

 **bentacles:** I swear we live in a simulation what the fuck is this

 **Eudora the explorer:** HAGYSUHJ

 **sasuke:** no im serious thats not real I punched my wall like twice in my whole life and once was in this new apartment and the other was at dads house

 **sasuke:** literally never at mums I couldn't do that to her

 **ally:** then....wh

 **va va voom:** five please dont tell me you made some on the spot holes just to frame diego

 **Asian bob ross:** isnt that illegal

 **smartcar:** nO

 **smartcar:** helen stop trying to get me arrested its technically my property

 **klaustrophe:** grace is going to kill you

 **dolly parton:** I only took pictures

 **bentacles:** oh PLEASE five would totally get away with this

 **smartcar:** literally why are you just taking diegos word for this

 **sasuke:** because im fucking right

 **smartcar:** what happened to left

 **bentacles:** WE

 

 


	11. nswnfbd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe i keep fucking dying

**smartcar** : i fucking killed god

**bentacles** : what

**sasuke** : what

**dolly** **parton** : what

**va** **va** **voom** : five nO

**smartcar** ; dont fucking TEST ME VANYA

**klaustrophe** : IRPWBEKDJQK FIVE U BROKE IT

**smartcar** : SHUT UP 

**ally** : this is why we hate inviting u to game nights

**bentacles** : UHM WHY THE FUCK WAS I NOT THERE

**klaustrophe** : im sorry benji :( we only had four remotes and fivey insisted on playing

**smartcar** : do not call me fivey you cheap hooker

**sasuke** : thats not very nice fivey

**smartcar** : shut it you fucking gimp

**ally** : thats not very nice fivey

**smartcar** : shut it you fucking....lesbian

**ally** : not an insult

**smartcar** ; ik ur just too powerful to insult

**ally** :  😌😌😌 the evil has been defeated

**dolly** **parton** : wait but what did five do

**smartcar** : that is none of ur business

**dolly** **parton** : i think you will find that it is very much my business, as ur gf  🤬🤬

**smartcar** : thats a fair point and i raise you

**smartcar** : no

**klaustrophe** : ur a mess

**bentacles** : says u

**alabama** **complex** : Why did a small child just run across the room in two seconds flat?

**ally** : DUANHDLWDLWHDL

**dolly** **parton** ; WHY ARE U RUNNING

**sasuke** :i think theyre literally running from the responsibility 

**bentacles** : someone please tell me what they did

**va** **va** **voom** : im sobbing

**asian** **bob** **ross** : HUH?

**asian** **bob** **ross** : oh

**sasuke** : a lesbian comes along to save her wife

**asian** **bob** **ross** ; of fucking course who do u think i am

**sasuke** : a goddess

**asian** **bob** **ross** : then u would be correct

**smartcar** : cant catch me if i run fast enough to travel into the future and spend 45 years there and then come back to find out it was only 17 years for u but u completely forgot why i ran in the first place :)

**sasuke** : what

**va** **va** **voom** : what does this say i cant read past my tears

**klaustrophe** : w

**ally** : five u broke the fucking vase

**bentacles** : HWAT

**smartcar** : snitches get stitches

**ally** : idiots die

**smartcar** : oh eye sea how it is

**eudora** **the** **explorer** : ur an idiot?

**ally** : yes they are

**sasuke** : five ur going to die

**smartcar** : i killed god do u really expect to be able to kill me so easily

**sasuke** : u broke a vase u didnt kill god

**smartcar** : what if it was...mums vase that her churchfriends made her  🤪🤪🤪🤪

**sasuke** : NO YOU FUCKING DIDNT

**klaustrophe** : oh yes they fucking DID

**dolly** **parton** : im so stunned as to how five hasnt been kicked out of the family yet

**sasuke** : mum loves crackheads

**sasuke** : rheres more chance getting kicked out if u behave and function like an actual human being

**ally** ; this is true i mean look at luther

**alabama** **complex** : I am still here.

**va** **va** **voom** : that sounds vaguely threatening

**alabama** **complex** : As it should.

**eudora** **the** **explorer** : i dont like that diego, ally do u mind if i arrest ur big meat man

**klautrophe** : BIG MEAT MAN

**sasuke** : go for it im surprised i havent arrested him yet

**ally** : dont arrest him

**eudora** **the** **explorer** :  🥺🥺🥺

ally: arrest him all u want arrest him a hundred times if thats what will make u happy

**eudora** **the** **explorer** : thanks babe

**sasuke** : no visiting hours

**eudora** **the** **explorer** : mhm

**ally** : thats too far maybe?

**va** **va** **voom** : no it isnt

**sasuke** :  🥺🥺🥺🥺

**ally** : wtf shut up diego

**bentacles** : LMWODKSHD

**klaustrophe** : dee ur puppy dog eyes would work on me  😔😔

**sasuke** : i dont fucking care??!!

**va** **va** **voom** : LMAO GET REJECTED

**asian** **bob** **ross** : isnt it illegally to wrongly arrest someone just bc theyre there

**sasuke** : only if there isnt a reason

**asian** **bob** **ross** : where is the reason here

**sasuke** : i dont like luther

**alabama** **complex** : That is not very nice.

**sasuke** : do i look like i give a shit luther

**alabama** **complex** : I cannot see you.

**sasuke** : ur not going to be able to see anything if u carry on

**va** **va** **voom** :  💀💀💀💀

**ally** : diego dont kill luther

**eudora** **the** **explorer** : diego kill luther

**ally** : its what the lady wants, sir

**sasuke** : i love how easily dora sways you

**ally** : ur going to die diego

**smartcar** : fulfill the first three letters of ur name 

**sasuke** : rude

**smartcar** : ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back bc i just wrote 3000 words on how to argue with someone and i still have work to do so uhh bye


	12. JSKSJS

**ally** : who was it

 **sasuke** : what

 **ally** : who was it

 **sasuke** : who was what

 **va** **va** **voom** : we havent got any sixth sense allison

 **ally** : WHO broke the fucking coffee machine

 **sasuke** : OH

 **sasuke** : oh i dont know allison WHO drinks the most fucking coffee? 😄

 **smartcar** : do not push me under the bus diego you will regret it

 **dolly** **parton** : dont kill ur brother

 **smartcar** : no brother of mine betrays me

 **klaustrophe** : it was five

 **smartcar** : NO IT WASNT

 **smartcar** : im being serious it actually wasnt

 **bentacles** : it wasnt

 **ally** :.....

 **va** **va** **voom** :.....ben does know everything

 **sasuke** : this is going to be a civil war

 **klaustrophe** : like the marvel movies?

 **va** **va** **voom** : BDKABDKW YES

 **bentacles** : do not remind me of marvel in these trying times

 **klaustrophe** : *whispers softly* i miss scott lang

 **bentacles** : KLAUS I HAVE CHILDREN TO FEED STOP

 **ally** : u have children?

 **bentacles** : no

 **bentacles** : i just want klaus to stop

 **va** **va** **voom** ; i have the biggest crush on hope van dyne

 **ally** : carol danvers

 **va** **va** **voom** : GOOD FUCKING POINT

 **sasuke** : i raise you: gamora

 **ally** : i am in love with all the marvel girls

 **bentacles** : me w/ the boys

 **bentacles** : thor...sir....

 **klaustrophe** : THOR

 **kins** **popeye** : thor is the legitimate love of my life im sorry klaus but

 **klaustrophe** : understandable

 **ally** : everyone claim someone

 **kins** **popeye** : thor

 **ally** : carol

 **sasuke** : gamora

 **dolly** **parton** : mantis

 **klaustrophe** : VALID

 **klaustrophe** : bass boosted: I MISS SCOTT LANG

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : brunnhilde and okoye

 **va** **va** **voom** : hope🥰🥰🥰

 **smartcar** :....

 **smartcar** : t’challa and wanda

 **klaustrophe** : THE VALIDITY!

 **bentacles** : i cant choose between sam wilson and peter quill

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : OH FUCK M’BAKU PLEASE

 **sasuke** : M’BAKU SIR M’BREAK MY M’BACK

 **va** **va** **voom** : DIEGO DHQKDN

 **ally** : i may be a lesbian but i can understand everyones attraction to james motherfucking buchanan motherfucking barnes

 **asian** **bob** **ross** : HELA

 **ally** : HELA

 **eudora** **the** **explorer** : oh my fucking god hela

 **sasuke** : hey this might be controversial but matt murdock

 **klaustrophe** : i raise you stephen strange

 **bentacles** : get out klaus

 **klaustrophe** : i knew you would hate that

 **sasuke** : btw i broke the coffee machine

 

 **sasuke** **left** **the** **CHAT**!

 

 **ally** : BASTARD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my marvel crushes are....all of them (mainly scott, thor and gamora thoheksjdks)

**Author's Note:**

> i have sumn v funny planned for tomorrow and im also planning on updating daily if possible


End file.
